11 may 2022

 there is this one animal I know
that is so ugly as a a puppy
and continues to be bald as an adult,
their fur growing sparsely and in many lengths;
despite this they live to a good old age.

I am one of those unfortunate fuckers.
So I cover myself with chunky clothes
in that the outline of my body can't be noticed
and glow green when I see my canine brood,
so unaware of our shameful bodies.

10 feb 2022

I am interested in this topic because I love animals so passionately. Both those that I have held close to my heart during my childhood, those I have had the pleasure to host as an adult and the many that I have met in parks and zoos and other households. It just brings me peace to hang out with other animals, to make the space for them and to understand what they are communicating and what they need from me. They are such funny creatures!
So when I started studying sociology one niche thing I became quite interested in is the study of how relationship with animals. Also I think another type of sociology that really inspired me is the sociology of the everyday. And this is how my current project came about: how do we relate to animals on a day to day basis? I used to go to the park to feed the animals quite regularly, but I must admit I haven’t done so in quite a while because I welcomed a whole person into my life (and my flat): my dog. She is not fond of other dogs, particularly those who try to play with her things. She doesn’t seem to really understand how to communicate with them without being driven by fear. She does love me a lot, tho! She loves to nibble on my toes and my favourite things and she often gets jealous of other people interacting with me. She knows I suffer quite a deal but doesn’t know how to help. She wakes me up with a paw to the face because it’s been 3 minutes since the alarm went off and I haven’t fed her yet. She lies on her back when she knows she’s been chewing on something she wasn’t supposed to be chewing on. I adore her. But mind you, it has been difficult! She drives me up the wall when she doesn’t let me interact with other animals… or people for that matter! Or when she steals the balls and then eats them. But she is a patient little one. She throws a fit when I tell her “dinner later”, because she understands what that means. She tilts her head when I pet her ear, almost as if she was saying “I really love this and I love you”.

She is not my first adult pet. Before I had 6 rats, all named after foods, and a hamster. Oh, my Lemon. She was the best hamster I could have ever had; I learnt so much from her inquisitive nature, from her never giving up on discovering what’s beyond her world. And my six cheeky boys! I had breakfast with them, I let them run all over me until my skin was sore and red and I would smother those little shits to death.

But it would be a lie to say that my relationship with animals have always been so straight ahead. It is not a secret that I have been struggling with my mental health for a good couple of years now. It all seemed to come out of nowhere, but I knew it had always been brewing in the back of my head. It was time I faced all the trauma and pain I had felt; I couldn’t run no more.
Animals have helped a lot in my path towards self-kindness. But they have also been very difficult to deal with. The guilt of not having enough spoons to adequately care for my animals is a fear that never goes away. I often dream that I have forgotten about my animals for week and now they are starving and popping babies like crazy. I feel very guilty that my mental health doesn’t let me care for my animals to the level I wish I could. But I keep trying. I keep getting out of bed to feed my dog, I keep feeding the pigeons, swans and squirrels whenever I can. And I keep learning from my relationship to them.

17 nov 2019

I am crying
being so grateful
for the me that I was
for the parts I had lost

— forgotten memories —
All the pain I went through
All the love that has gone    
All the people I met              
turn the reality away
What is it that it was?
What is it that it is?


Today I stand strong
with washed memories on my face
the present melting into the past
(just for a little while)          
And I've come to nurture my teen self
for all the self-doubt that follows my way;
this is to being that friendly giant
a true shadow of what was to come
for that eager vision cast upon the distance
hereby I answer this calling onto myself:
I love me,
I love you,
never lose your way.
The colours of the eyes
melt the sky
into different shades of

black, dark, blue
white, pale, sky

What are you pupils, John Doe?
Are they like the sun?

a mellow yellow

Are they like a deep sea?

darker and darker blue

The colours in the eyes
shine in all its spectrum
the lines become furry
the colours run wild
oh, you, my pastel baby
stay right there
so I can make a paint of you

15 nov 2019

I like your mind
its long
like a dachhund
(poor babies bred into sadness)
not like one of those broad thoughts
were you can see the end
but not where you go.
drunken nights
are not for petite ears
like my thoughts on Syria
or Hong Kong.
So many conflicts
when will it stop?
fed by greedy hands
- even a pacifist will want to stop
but this is not the role we play
watching from afar, 
                     into the haze
'Uh! Christmas is coming!'
'so many deadlines to do!'
but what happens
with the lives of those
at the end of the rope
they cannot hold no more
we
are
pushing
them
over
the
board
.

C'mon baby
lie here with me
the sea won't attack you
as long as you're in my dreams

I'll take care of you
,darling, 
with all the length of my mind
and when we reach the cataracts
I'll make a draft with my sheets

We'll go on flying:
                           over the forest of thought
                            through the sea of clouds
Where will we arrive?
When will we go?
Only we know.